Spammers have no place here

Something is happening to Blogger. A post of mine has been getting severe spam. I don't even know why! It was one of those bullet listed things. Could someone tell me how spammers find blogs and comment on them?

At one point I thought it must have been a really inspiring post, but one look at the comments and I know that it isn't. It's just spam haven. I finally turned off user comments for that one. Going to sit and dedicatedly delete every single spammer now.

Phew.

Also, what's with this summer. I'm losing bodily fluids at an alarming rate and I don't even go out in the sun that much. Fucking hell!

The serious trouble with young writers

DISCLAIMER: I am all for young writers who are not Chetan Bhagat. I want to read what people who were introduced to the internet later than I was have to say. But if they talk about the same thing the same way and call it 'different' and 'mature', then the following blog post is but a natural consequence.

Your twenties, whichever part, are not the time for you to say you know yourself. Think I'm wrong? Well, here's an arithmetic question – how long from your twenties to your fifties? (We'll work with the assumption that you'll live that long, okay?) The answer is three decades. That is actually longer than the time that you've been alive, so, again, please don't assume you know everything about everything in your twenties, clearly there's a lot more of life to see, feel, experience.

The previous paragraph was purely to make a point, because I'm tired of all the young women writing things about marriage. As if they know what exactly to expect. I will only make an exception for those young women who have shared a room with their brothers. The shock of seeing damp towels on the floor or boxers being used for more than one day is not as intense as it is for those who grew up with a sister. Anyway, I was talking about marriage and what young twenty-somethings make of it.

Let's look at the recurring plots, themes and motifs of these so-called 'rants' shall we?

#1: The Parents

Now, I have spent an inordinate amount of time calling my dad 50 kinds of insane because he insisted on marrying me off to some random Malayali because our horoscopes matched and the family was a 'good family'. I called my dad 50 more kinds of insane when I was asked to meet these Malayalis whose pronunciation was atrocious, who did not believe in making eye contact, who spelled 'sense' as 'sence' in their online profiles, who thought the shape of my eyebrows meant money they had to spend on my trips to the beauty parlour, who had no clue about how to articulate themselves in English and so on.

The truth is, my father inherited this behaviour. He didn't come up with it on his own. He felt that the socially appropriate thing to do was to arrange his daughter's marriage, not because he wanted to see me married, but because everyone else was doing it and my younger cousins were getting there before me and his siblings were asking him questions. If you ask them directly, you'll find that parents don't have a self-formed opinion about getting their daughter married, they're just being sheeple in this context. So while calling them insane is one thing, actually believing that they are is a mistake.

I've found that having an open and honest discussion works well. At the time I was listed on matrimonial websites, I had to spend a LOT of time trying to make my father understand what I wanted from my life, and he told me one thing very clearly – 'it's your decision, I can only find the fellows, nothing else'. I would never have known he was on my side if we had not talked. Dissing our parents may be cool, but you need to put it in perspective after a while. We all have parents who behave the same way, and well, it's fun to call them mad and then watch the comments section explode with support, but leaving out the details about how your dad doesn't want you to be unhappy or sad for even one moment is unfair.

#2 The extended family

Ever since Vikram Seth wrote A Suitable Boy, and every third Indian English writer has talked about the husband-hunting process and Karan Johar and Yash Chopra started an entire industry around the “Big Fat Indian Wedding”, bitching about being harassed at weddings has always centred around that fat aunty who wouldn't quit interfering. If you don't have a close-knit family, I'm truly sorry for you. My maternal family would discuss my wedding after Sunday lunch, even before there was anyone in the picture. For them, it was a fun activity. The best part of those discussions was that they helped us document a lot of things before hand and in the six months leading up to my wedding, all the information was in one book.

As for that interfering aunty, she knows full well that she has no say in the wedding, but she's there because that's who she is. If she wasn't who the hell would you bitch about? Your mum? Think about it.

Every family in every culture, race, country, is overbearing. Please refer “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” and all movies and TV shows starring Italians for more details on annoying families from 'the West'.

#3 Wanting to be different

Wanting to be different has become such a big deal that it's almost a fucking cliché! What different? How different? You're still having a show off wedding, right? You're still decking up like a Christmas tree and standing in front of people you have little to nothing to do with and posing for pictures no? You're still getting one of those 'candid' photographers to come to your wedding and 'capture those precious moments' no? Then how is this process different for you? Please explain it to me? SOMEONE!

If you, like two young couples I know, decide to get married exactly how YOU want to get married, then you can talk about different. For as long as your parents are at your wedding talking to other people rather than watch emotionally at their daughter getting married, you're not different, you're just like me and everyone else in this country who had a typical “Big Fat Indian Wedding”.

#4 Being modern

The next time I read this word in one of my articles or in anyone else's articles, I'm going to set fire to the internet! What bloody modern? What? You're young, you're getting married and submitting your rant about the fact that everyone's speaking over your head and not taking your opinion seriously since it is your life and your decision and so on to a magazine and the whole universe read it and put two claps. Congratulations, welcome to the modern world of modern people where helplessness is articulated in journalistic publications. I really do appreciate your modernity because having a traditional wedding with your family present and your participation in it being minimised to some puppet level is exactly how to be modern in life. Where is the assertiveness and so-called opinionated self that you're selling in your little piece? Do you think it comes from writing an article about it or actually taking a stand? If you're not taking a stand, please do the world a favour and shut up. Participation in life choices is the most important thing I can think of. If you can't do that, then don't sell it in an article for fuck's sake.

#5 Dreaming of fairytales

Um, are you a Karan Johar fan? Because you seem to be living in some delusional afterlife where everything is picture perfect. I'm not wrong, you said Disney, your fault. You don't see the minor details. You don't see the relationships in those horrid first couple of months following the wedding where you're having an existential life crisis and you can't share it with your husband because he's in shock at the loss of his bachelorhood and he doesn't know what to do with your constant pissed-off-ness at his amazing ability to tuck away bottles of water in the house, and all of his wet towels dropped on the floor and his annoying lack of ability to straighten out the toothpaste tube. The worst part? He thinks you're nuts for being sad about not being at home with your mother because he thinks 'well, you signed up for this 'being away from parents, it's what happens when two people get married, so what's the matter?'

The most sad part is the both of you wondering what the hell happened to the person you fell for because, well, they used to be different. Who is this new replacement at home who is taking over their lives and is not giving them any peace? God forbid if the food turns out to be shit, not only will you have a crying fit, the spouse will give you that 'this is an alien, not the love of my life' look. Yeah, about that Disney-perfect marriage, it exists in Disneyland. Far, far, away, and meant for an escape from reality. The moments you're looking for, you have to fight for sometimes. Sometimes they happen spontaneously. But they're never Disney-like. I can tell you that much.

Here are a few things I did not glean from the article -

1) arranged marriage or no?

2) why did you feel the need to write about it?

3) why do you think the world should take this particular opinion seriously? Is it because you find that your wedding and everything it entails is symptomatic of a society that is caring lesser and lesser about people and more about appearances?

4) you have nothing to say about getting married at 23?

Like I said before, I'm tired of content that has no depth and intelligence and takes the readers for granted. I'm tired of content that has no other thing to say except for surface details. I'm even more tired of all this being passed off as relevant journalism. And my guts are cringing at the fact that this is being taken seriously and everyone is identifying with it. In a way, I'm glad I'm no longer writing. I'm terrified of losing my love for this profession and the madness it entails. Being a sub-editor removes you from the immediacy of the process of news-making. It just gives you the time to ensure that the pieces you edit have some measure of depth, and for the moment that's enough.

P.S: I did, in this blog (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6) and one other, write a six-part series about the husband hunt. I don't even read it anymore because I'm terrified of being the exact same person I've spent this much time ranting about. Shit. I'd like to go and eat some chocolate now. Thanks.

My future wife needs to be a cook.

"When I was engaged, A told my mother that I need to know how to cook mutton. The rest didn't matter."

That comment set off a trigger of unwholesome and truly troubling thoughts.

I have, since then, considered quitting the kitchen altogether and hanging a "the kitchen is closed" plaque. I cook. I don't like it. However, I like starvation even less, so I cook. It is only incidental that there is one more person eating my food.

I wish I didn't have to cook and didn't have to, by some calculated default, slip into the role of homemaker.

I wish my husband was my patron and I was lying around writing books that would always remain 'works-in-progress'.

I dislike the fact that young men in the 2000s are actually asking that their wives be domesticated. And I dislike it even more that us wives are becoming domesticated and then bitching about it.

What I want is that this whole culture of requiring domestication just stop.

No, it's not two families getting married. It's two people. And those who think it's more than that are just plain delusional and about 10000 degrees of insane. 

A very personal kind of hell

If I remember correctly, there is a philosophical concept that exists which talks about heaven and hell as something that is highly individualised. I mean, a place that is known and understood only by the person concerned and therefore has value and depth of meaning to that individual.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I do remember it. As an example of this, I can only use the TV show Supernatural, which you should watch, it's hella fun! There is an episode in Season 7 when Sam is taken to a 'private' place to have a conversation with Castiel. Castiel is seen sitting in heaven, a beautiful place with a well-tended garden where a man is flying a kite. Castiel explains to Sam that for each person heaven has a different meaning and that they were talking in the heaven of an autistic man's favourite Tuesday. I found that concept interesting.

Let's go to hell for a short while shall we? For those of you who have read Dante's Inferno, you'll know that it is a place that was created in the imagination of the poet and hence has depth of meaning for him. In this post, I want to talk about my hell - allergies.

I have lived with allergies my whole life. What am I allergic to? It can only be best described as 'particulate matter' - that category of things in nature which fall under the following labels : dust, smoke, incense smoke, cigarette smoke, wood smoke, pollen, congress grass, perfume, petrol fumes, mosquito repellants like Good Knight, Mortein, Hit, etc, and others. I was picked on and made fun of, both by teachers and my classmates for having allergies. I have also laughed at my friend P for sneezing at least 25 times on the trot while our Math teacher was busy scribbling calculus on the blackboard. Mostly, though, I remember having runny green phlegm coming out of my nose and my mother buying handkerchiefs by the dozen just so I could carry a couple extra to school and blow my nose and come back home and soak them in dettol-mixed water.

I remember this teacher, Rani miss we called her, whose only job was to either point out that I was left-handed or tell me to get out of the class and blow my nose because my sniffling disturbed her teaching. I was in class 3.

I remember being called 'mookuchali' because it was a funny name for some people - no, boys. I remember a boy informing me that he described me to his mother as 'that girl with the runny nose' and his mother remembers me as such, even now. She has also never met me.

Right up to the time I was in class 12, when I had to start wearing glasses, this fucking mookuchali shit never left my cursed life.

I was surrounded by dust - a) I was in a school that used stupid, low-quality chalk. b) My school has this huge open ground which is filled with rather fine red sand that tends to fly around all the damn time. c) I grew up in Chennai.

My time as someone allergic to dust is divided into days of debilitating pain when my body aches because of the amount of times I sneeze, and my sinuses are clogged causing my head and neck to hurt, and getting out of bed is a chore because I'm doubled over sneezing, my eyes covered in this crusty layer because they're watery because of my allergies. The rest of the time, the pain and symptoms are not so bad. One that one rare, good day, I'm free.

This life of an allergic that I've lived until now is my version of hell, and you know what? It's a lifelong bloody thing.

To those of you who think that allergies are funny enough to crack a joke about, then please impale yourself with metal that's close to melting point. To those of you who think that allergies are excuses people make, then I would like you to please borrow my ENT system for a little while and live like me and then have a conversation. For those of you who understand, I have some really kickass chocolate chip ice cream with really big, chunky chocolate chips that's a dream to eat. Come home, I'll give you a HUGE helping.

On that note, goodnight and be well. You have no idea how lucky you are, you non-allergic.

Mosquito bites give me rashes

They do. I spent all of last night slathered in coconut oil (because, you know, I'm Mallu and Mallus use coconut oil as a magical cure for everything. EVERYTHING!) and trying the damnedest not to itch the stupid rash that self-manifested on my arm after a mosquito bite. Annoying bastards! Also, Maharashtra mosquitoes are HUGE and it takes the electric mosquito bat around 15seconds longer to fry them. Finally, there are two.. TWO obese lizards living in my house behind the heater. I would like to kill them. I'm installing the lizard trapping box near the heater ASAP.

Now that the domestic updates are done. I want to talk about something I read recently.

The 'article' like most articles by young Indian women was about arranged marriage. And like most articles on the subject it talked about how un-modern it is. Here are its salient points:

1) Most Indian girls like the author are 'independent' and 'progressive', and these two qualities make online 'dating' and 'hooking up' yucky.

2) Most girls who are independent and progressive have educated parents who ought to know better but don't.

3) Somehow, magiically most 'independent' and 'progressive' girls find themselves on the listings of an online matrimonial / matchmaking service, and even more magically meet a non-moron and this is the best of all... proceed to 'like' him.

4) Every single one of these stories ends with "and that's how I met my husband".

First - the article at no point speaks of the writer's marital status. I found out via a friend who had originally posted the article on Facebook that the writer is married. And that piece of information basically ticked me off. The thing is those of us who bitched about having to meet the crazies before we found our men - either through our dads or ourselves - are in relationships that require a lot of effort. It's a lot of work this marriage shindig. Especially if the person you've married is, essentially, a stranger. To be adjusting, accommodating and also domestic all at the same time is hard work. I have three degrees. My father's investment in my education has basically culminated in my status updates about paneer butter masala. The truth of having left everything behind to 'enter into a new phase of life' is more uncomfortable than all the pretty quotes on the Internet about marriage. It is also more uncomfortable than all your supposedly happily married female friends going on and on about how awesome their husbands are and so on. If I had, at any point in time during my engagement, had a vision that I'd update my status and mention paneer butter masala in it I would have either killed myself or called the engagement off. However, I am married. It's work, but I like the fellow I'm hitched to.

Second - there is absolutely no core philosophy in the article. What's the point of it? Is she saying that arranged marriages are wrong? If yes, why? Where's her factual understanding of the 'traditional' method of husband-finding? If no, why? Where's her factual understanding of the 'non-traditional' method of husband-finding?

Third - what is progressive and independent? Conforming to social expectations? Succumbing to social pressure and pretending that a life choice made under the aegis of free will is progressive and independent? Seriously? What are we doing now? Supporting double standards as a way of life?

If the goal in life is to find an 'eligible bachelor' and make him yours by means of a government approved, legally binding piece of paper then what's the difference between you and that other so-called uncool girl who got married at 18 and had two kids by the time she was 21? Really, what's the difference? Your life goals are the same. You just chose to get an education and be single for longer because your parents let you. Ultimately, most of these 'urban' (I don't know what the hell it even means, really), 'independent', 'progressive' girls who rant and rant and rant (I've devoted an entire series of posts here to the topic of arranged marriages) all get married. They are all, for a short while or for the long-term, domestic and wifely. Most of them move on to become parents also.

I'm tired of this shitty rut of a topic of discussion because it's shitting out some shitty writing and shitty content that makes runny poop look like a garden of roses! And you know what's the worst part? People will lap this bullshit up and be all like 'oh my god, you're me. this is my life story.' and I will silently vomit into a bag of stale kurkure and come to my blog and bitch and bitch and bitch. I will also have, while bitching, contradicted myself about 5000000 times and then silently vomit into the uruli on my centre table.

I want the publishing industry to please issue a ban on this topic. (If I send you a manuscript, reject it, okay? I don't need to be encouraged!)

I keep thinking the women in our country will come up with awesome ways to prove how we're awesome. But no, we end up producing tripe like this and everyone in this universe will go on about how 'marriages are arranged in India, how curious', and other such assorted BS.

Really, is that what we're reducing our fight for rights to? The fact that we spent most of our adult lives rejecting the idea of having our 'life partner' chosen for us by family elders? Did no one tell the rest of the universe that we said yes because we liked the fellows and no one was holding a gun to our heads at the time? Like I said, more to worry about than Western culture overtaking our 'tightly packed Indian morals'.

I'm going to make ginger tea and clean up my silent vomit. Bye.

Support settings

So,

My last post and the one previous clearly got a lot of vitriol. But it did get some support. Joe Pereira, this goes out to you and to S.

S, I got an email that your comment was published but I've been looking at the post and refreshing, and it's not showing up. Therefore, I am going to post your comment here.

"First,

To Ambarish Gopinath.

Thambi, unakku nallaa venum. Inimelaavadhu thevaiyillaadha vishayathula mooka nuzhaikka koodaathungaradha katthukka.

I know it sounds cruel, but the real world is very different from what it is indoctrinated to us. Everything is not black and white. And the first rule is to be open-minded. It is okay if you are judgmental, but you are not allowed to offend anyone with your judgments.

And no, you are again not allowed to be some sort of a champion of our culture "at the wrong platforms/spaces". You can be a champion - if I'm right, you already are - but this is not the place, neither is your target right.

As for morality, please understand that it is not a rigid thing. It is ever changing. Do not confuse something else with morality.

Last,

To Shruti.

I'm disgusted with you.

You repulse me.

Not because of your "loose morals" (I'd like to know what is a "loose moral", BTW, and if you have "loose morals", do others have "packed morals". Let me know when you find out what they are.)

No, I detest you because you eat chocolate cake alone, and without sharing.

Next time you are eating a chocolate cake, you should remember me :P"






S, I will tell you about loose morals. I have every intention of clarifying that to people. Also, there's always ice cream and cake for friends at home. Come over any time :)


Also, thanks for the support you and Joe. I'm glad there are people out there who get the point. As for the person who deleted the vitriol. I have that on record too. Just so you know.

After a very long time

I promised a nasty post and then I disappeared.

Apologies.

I'm in Deolali at the moment. All settled in ad Wi-Fi'd up.

So, like I sad the last time, there are some people that need to be given a good, long, nasty blog post. This is it then. Let's start with the origins of this fight shall we?

It goes back to this post. Most of it was a rant about my dad's insane rules and regulations and my thinking it was BS (I still think it's BS). The responses it got, especially from a few anonymous donors and one Kalyan Subrtamanian, were a little ridiculous. Especially the ones that ventured into judgement and name-calling territory.

"you will talk all these "shit" that you say when you are a parent..yoou wanna be in America go there..dont sit in India and say these are shit... and in a few days you would be sharing posts that say "dont tell your girls how to dress.. teach your sons better"... instead of giving these shit first learn to understand why your parents say..
as far as the people i know living in america they have wanted to live our culture.. so plz exchange yourselves with them if you wanna whine !!"

His name is Subramanian Kalyan. There's more - this from someone called Ambarish Gopinath

"that sense of defeat a father feels when people talk bad about his girl...only those who've experienced it can understand it....if only he had brought u up properly with the right morals...right from the start,may be things would've been different...

anyway this is my blog:
ambarishgopinath.blogspot.in"

Who are you men? And why do you think it is your right to comment here because you believe that your moral compass is pointed in some "right" direction? And my "morals" are wrong because I think differently from what's been told to me is right? Seriously? What gives you the right to be a total and complete asshole on a forum like this without once thinking that there is another point of view and it doesn't necessarily have to coincide with yours.

Of course, to top it off is the cheap self-plug. Like, why would I even want to read your blog if you're a self-righteous dad who questions my morals and thinks that my father is some self-defeated soul who is wallowing in some form of private hell because people are talking shit about his daughter? Let me tell you this - not one person has come up to my dad and said his daughter is trashy and void of morals. Not. One. Person.

Also, my father has a brain and is not the type who will sit and listen to what other people have to say. He knows the world and has seen and experienced more things that most people. He's also been in a war zone. He has the intelligencce to know who his daughter is and what lines she will and will not cross. We might not have the easiest relationship, but he's my dad.

Let me just put this out there for posterity - for those men who believe that women 'provoke' assault and that 'Indian culture' is being invaded by the West and that the West is trying to ape our lifestyle - I would like you all to kindly please do some reading and some study. What you think of as Indian 'culture' seems to be some sanitised, Big Brother-sanctioned version of things - the fact that we have an entire chapter of our mythology dedicated to desire and the fact that our 'creator' Brahma fell in love with his daughter Rohini and chased her across the cosmos, should tell you that Indian 'culture' is not everything it is cut out to be.

Our fables, our mythology, and our history are full of instances that will tell you that 'culture' and 'morality' are the constructs of the people in power. They decided for us and those of us who could afford it, followed it. Today, the people in control of our freedom of expression seem to have the power to stop a film, already cleared by the censor board, from being screened. Today, people who don't eat beef have enough clout to shut down a beef and pork festival on account of it hurting religious sentiments and the masses will lap this bullshit up. We have a lot more to worry about than our daughters being Westernised.

If one person can bulldoze the government from shutting down it's own webiste, then there is something to worry about. And if you think that these people are right because they have the freedom to express dissent, then you have, in effect, justified every crime, every act of violence and stupidity.

And YES Subramanian Kalyan, our sons do need to be taught better, because other than women the only other human beings on this planet are men and if they don't know how to talk to us, respect us, and deal with us, then who will? The animal kingdom?